Lost in My Mind’s Labyrinth

There is no visible line to separate good from bad and you can never know in which direction your choices will take your life. I don’t remember the first time I started to analyze everything but eventually overthinking became part of who I am. I remember going to my dad’s book shelf and noticing a book with a hard-green cover writing on the side William Shakespeare. I don’t know why I started to read it, but it was the first time I became familiar with Hamlet. I was twelve. Now, years later, I’m thinking about the book I grabbed from the shelf, Hamlet, and realizing how connected I am with Hamlet’s character. We’re both very contemplative and confused people which prevent us to make clear decisions.

Hamlet, a philosophical and contemplative character, has a very tragic life. After his father’s death, a ghost tells Hamlet that the king was poisoned, and he decides to revenge for his death. His confusion begins when he does not know if he should believe the ghost or not. He raises the question: “To be or not to be?” and enters himself in road without an end. Being in Hamlet’s endless dilemmas is something I am familiar with and I can’t run way from it no matter how hard I try.

Until seven months ago, I was a teenager living my life as I wanted and without thinking for the future. I was doing well in school and I graduated as the Valedictorian of my graduation class. I can still remember every detail from my graduation day: me going through a heart attack before my speech, the pressure I had representing myself and justifying my position, and the proudness I felt for being the first official graduate of class of 2018. That day I achieved my biggest accomplishment. Not only I did end my high school journey successfully but also made my parents proud. Even though I had everything I needed, the idea of having a job and being independent intrigued me. I started searching for a job and I finally got accepted to ZARA, where I still work as a cashier. Summer went by too fast and now I am a freshman in college. My only priority is succeeding in school. However, having a job makes it difficult for me to focus in school because the job takes most of my time. I don’t know if I should quit my job and concentrate in college or take the risk and continue both which may lead to me not doing so well in my classes. But how do I feel about it?

The truth is, I enjoy my job and feel accepted by everyone. I have made a lot of good friends, even though it’s hard for me to open and talk with people. Working at Zara was a pivotal point in my life. I changed as a person. I used to be very incautious and inactive but, suddenly I was full of energy and desire to try new experiences. I became more responsible and learned how to manage money. After his father’s death, Hamlet was struggling with being a dutiful son, and I felt the same for a long time. Even though I was doing well in school I believed it was something I had to do for myself not others, and the job makes me feel I’m making my parents proud for who I am becoming, an independent and strong woman. Eventually, I grew so much as a person without realizing it.

On the other side, all that matters to me is school because it will impact my future. Just because I did well in high school doesn’t mean college will go with the flow too. It is a drastic transition and the amount of focus and dedication I should have is endless. I can’t throw away all the hard work and sacrifices I’ve made. The job at Zara takes up a lot of the time I should be spending on studying and doing homework; I notice it every time I’m on my way home, seating in train with books, papers, and laptop, doing my homework after a long day at work. Having problems with time management and focusing in school make me think of quitting the job. I can’t risk my future because my way of being successful in life is having a good education. When Hamlet didn’t know if it was better to put up with the bad things he knew or run off from them and die, escaping his responsibilities, he came up with “To be or not to be?” (Hamlet act III, scene 1). Maybe quitting the job, taking the easiest choice same as Hamlet running off from his problems, is the best choice now but it would be a slide from reality and struggles I will face in the future.

I’ve always been an extremely thoughtful person and I never decided without analyzing all outcomes. Hamlet represents me because we are both contemplative and think in-depth, we don’t know what is the best for us to do, and struggle with the idea of being a dutiful son/ daughter. What confuses us more than what we are going through is our own mind and the ability to overthink everything. It is best supported when Hamlet states, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so” (Hamlet act II, scene 2). If I would stop overthinking my problem, I wouldn’t be confused and lost currently. However, having someone who understands you, even if it’s a fiction character, it’s more helpful than someone can ever imagine it; they give you courage to face what you are going through.

I am still lost and don’t know what to do. Probably, I will finish this semester as the Hamlet of my generation, a young girl lost in confusion but convinced to give her best, trying to decide if quitting the job and being a devoted student is the best choice to make. It’s not easy to be confident and face the harsh reality in a young age but Hamlet taught me to accept myself. Even though my story is completely different from Hamlet’s, I got so much support and lessons from his character; it’s okay to be confused because confusion makes life more interesting, and I should embrace tough times because they make me stronger and prepare me to face undesirable situations. Thanks to Hamlet, I’m learning to live with what is given to me and find happiness through my contemplative nature.

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